Koori no Naifu wo Daite
by xPockyNoMikox
Summary: Kurama's thoughts during his battle with Karasu. Unable to fight his strange attraction to Karasu, Kurama decides the only way to solve this problem is to kill him. KxH, some KxK


DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. Heck, I don't even own the plot, because there is none.

A/N: Here it is, newly revised and reposted! I hope you like this updated veriosn!

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Koori no Naifu wo Daite

"If you think about it, death really isn't so frightening. Who knows, you might actually enjoy it."

Enjoy it? No. There is too much in this world for me yet, too much in both worlds; I cannot face death so soon. But, that doesn't mean I fear it. No, Karasu, what I fear is you.

The feel of your hands on my neck, your fingers in my hair, your cold skin against mine –even the memory is enough to send a shudder down my spine. Those are sensations I will never forget, sensations that will haunt my dreams long after this Tournament is over. One of us will walk away from this place, and one of us will not. I have no doubt which one of us that will be.

You had asked me if this fight had become personal. I replied that I was merely here to defeat you, and I warned you not to underestimate me. I did not deny your claim. How could I, when I knew all too well you were right?

My body begs for rest, but I cannot surrender yet. You have forced me back into my ningen form, draining my energy and thus making this battle even more difficult. My rose will not respond; my legs refuse to hold my weight. I somehow summon the strength to leap back into the ring, knowing that my teammates are counting on my victory. That is the only thing that keeps me going, the knowledge that their lives depend on my victory. Otherwise, the prospect of closing my eyes and letting you kill me doesn't sound so terrible.

Despite all you've done – all you hope to do – I don't hate you. I don't despise you for your actions, nor do I fear those actions. What I fear is the feelings those actions rouse in me. Pain has never been my high; I don't dance with death, as many youkai often do. Quite the opposite. Hiei always chastises me for my ningen-like love of life, saying that I've lost my ruthlessness and apathy. He is only partially correct. But my heart _is_ half human now, and it is human nature to value life.

But you have awoken some part of me, a dark part that would have been better left buried. That part of me cannot resist the promise your touch brings; the risk you represent fascinates me. The rational, human part of my mind has been cowed into submission, but still it demands attention. I cannot ignore it, but nor can I ignore the attraction that is drawing me to you. I am caught in a battle with myself, a battle that I cannot win. Not until you are dead.

I can feel Hiei's presence, a dark shadow lurking at the edge of my consciousness. He's never fully withdrawn from my thoughts since I entered the ring; he knows of my internal struggle and is determined to keep me from giving in to your allure. How many times now has he had to rouse me from sleep to stop me from crying out your name? I tell him it is in fear, but his eyes narrow in resentment, and I know he doesn't believe me. Despite all my years of trickery and deceit, I can never hide anything from him.

I cannot imagine how much energy it has taken him to keep his Jagan open all this time, but that is the depth of his feelings for me. He is the reason I hold my life so dear, for I'm not ready to relinquish this love that has begun to blossom between us. It is a sign of trust that he monitors my thoughts so closely, for while his Jagan is concentrated on me, I too can sense some of his emotions. I feel his deepening concern – and his jealousy. He does not like to share me, and by attracting my attentions, you have earned his hatred.

Cold metal bites into my skin, and I looked down to see your steel trap closed around my leg. My breath quickens. In anticipation or fear, I'm not certain. You create such a myriad of emotions in me, Karasu, that I am often unable to discern one from another.

Which was why Hiei was keeping so close a watch on me.

Kurama.

His voice echoes in my mind, grounding my thoughts and forcing me back into reality. Images flash through my mind, pictures conveyed to me by Hiei. Snatches of your thoughts play behind my eyelids; Hiei had stolen them with his Jagan and was using that same power to reveal them to me. I gasp at their vulgarity, though I know I should not be surprised. I know that murder is not the only thing you want to do to me, but I had never pictured those things before. If I'd had the energy, I would have retched.

If that is not enough to quell any attraction you harbor toward him, Hiei murmurs, _then he was right about your "masochistic streak."_

The sadness tingeing his voice is enough to shake me from my stupor. Rarely did Hiei show his grief, if indeed he felt any at all. To hear it in his voice, especially now, frightened me. That, more than anything you plan to do to me, is what counters the spell you've cast on me. I cannot stand here and break his heart. Too many have already, and I will not be one of them. _You've caused him pain,_ I cry silently. _Worse, you've made me cause him pain. I will not accept that._

Somehow – somewhere – I find the resolve to meet your seductive violet eyes and hold my ground. You smile knowingly, your eyes gleaming with murderous excitement as you gather your youki into your hands.

I cannot say that I hated you then. I don't think I ever hated you, even after all that you've done. Even after the bombs, after the pain, I do not hate you. Even as I lay on the ground, pouring my life energy into one last, desperate attack, I still feel some part of me reach out to you. No, I do not hate you; but I love Hiei more.

I'm sorry, koi, I murmur as I fall, my strength bleeding away with my lifeblood. Hiei had been jarred out of my mind as I summoned the last of my youki and could no longer hear my thoughts, but that did not stop me from calling him. _Aishiter-_

Darkness.

However, it is not the darkness of death, which I'd experienced once before. But, neither is it the darkness of unconsciousness. I'm trapped between worlds, between lives. Fitting, seeing how I'd just recently gained the means to return to my former youko self. In all my years in the Ningenkai, I've never fully belonged there, but nor do I fully belong to the Makai anymore. This battle has only served to illustrate that fact.

Though my ningen existence has been nothing more than a period of hovering between worlds, it seemed that my death would be different. Something wrenches me out of the darkness –a sound, though I can't identify it. Sensations return, and with them, pain. Confused, I reach out to my surroundings, though I succeed in doing little more than twitching my hand. I can't be dead; I can feel my body protesting each minuscule movement I make, each rise and fall of my chest as I breathe. Opening my eyes, I blink at the sudden flood of light, and my gaze lands on a pair of wide crimson eyes across from me.No sound escapes his lips, but I see Hiei's eyes soften slightly in relief.

I'm alive?

I move slowly, injured limbs protesting every movement. _I don't understand. How did I make it?_ Hiei's voice echoes in my mind, telling me that it didn't matter how.

You're alive, and Karasu is dead, he murmurs._ That is what is important._

Relief floods through me, nearly driving me to my knees once more. Karasu is dead. Whatever influence he had over me is gone. I can once again bury the dark part of my soul that had awakened under his touch; no longer do I have to feel guilty for my strange attraction to him. I am free.

And yet, some part of still me grieves, wondering what kind of future Karasu's touch would have brought, had I only given him the chance…

-owari-

A/N: My first try at present tense… at least in fanfiction, anyway. Comments? Suggestions? Reviews? (hint hint)


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